God's Impeccable Timing at the Post Office

I am somewhat ashamed to admit that because I feel so pressed for time when my son is in school, that when I go to the post office I keep my head down and try to get in and out as quickly as possible. I'm hyper-aware of EVERYONE's needs and I'm afraid I will get sucked in and not be able to take care of the people I'm already taking care of. I'm even more ashamed to admit that when I am at the automated postal machines and there is an older person at the machine next to me, obviously having trouble figuring it out, I hope they won't ask me for help. Today I was at a machine and I heard the older person next to me heaving a big sigh. "Oh no," I thought. Then she turned to me and asked, "Would you help me? I have rheumatoid arthritis and I can't straighten my fingers. Would you insert my credit card into the reader for me? I did it and then I watched her use her knuckles to deftly make her remaining selections on the touch screen. I got up my courage and asked her if she would like to try something for her RA. I pulled out a sample packet and gave her my card and an info booklet. We got chatting and I found out that she has a grandson with autism, and then I was able to tell her about my successes with my son. I mean, really, what are the odds?! In spite of my weaknesses and what I do or don't do, God is AMAZING at getting me where I need to be, with split-second accuracy.

Isaiah and Me

Like many people, the Isaiah chapters in the Book of Mormon are not the easiest for me to grasp so I'm grateful that I was given the assignment in my scripture class to study the chapters and report for 2-3 minutes on what I felt was God's message to me during this particular round of reading. As we know, each time you read the scriptures you get another layer of messages from God. My little talk:

What I loved the most was the verses with nature imagery because they remind me of how God shows His love for me through His creations. For example, here are three verses in no particular order that touched me:

Sing, O heavens, and be joyful, O earth; for the feet of those who are in the east shall be established; and break forth into singing, O mountains; for they shall be smitten no more; for the Lor hath comforted his people.

And they thirsted not; he led them through the deserts; he caused the waters to flow out of the rock for them; he clave the rock also and the waters gushed out.

They shall not hunger nor thirst, neither shall the heat nor the sun smite them; for he that hath mercy on them shall lead them; even by the springs of water shall he guide them.

Then I thought about how much I'd been pondering on this quote that a friend had posted on facebook a few days ago:

"There is a big circle that represents God... [and a]... little circle that represents you and me is inside the big circle. The goal... is to realize that you have been all along, contrary to all of your illusions, a dimension of the divine, and in moments of heightened spiritual awareness, the boundary line, which is the little circle defining you inside the big circle, momentarily is erased. Momentarily is blurred and it's no longer clear where you end and God begins." - Rabbi Laurence Kushner

The breezes, the stars, and the leaves on the trees remind me that I am bathed in that big circle full of atoms and molecules of God's love.

Paused for five seconds!

3:45am, after going strong since 2:00am, he paused for five whole seconds! Progress!

Why Am I Up at 3:30am?

Because my son decided to start exercising his voice, at the top of his lungs, at 2:00am and is showing no signs of letting up. This is just what he was doing on Sunday. At least he has a deep voice, not like the kid who rides the bus with him who screams exactly like a pterodactyl. Over and over.

I'm going to be like Nephi, as we learned in scripture study class today, and be grateful:

--We have electricity and food.

--My husband gets home in 2.5 days.

--I found a new, fun crochet scarf pattern that I started while my son was ASLEEP. LAST NIGHT. Remember that??

--I got an hour of sleep before he woke up.

--The school bus comes in only five hours. 

--He can't keep this up for five more hours, can he?

--When he gets on the bus I can go back to sleep.

--In eternity this night will be a distant memory.

--I got to watch this wonderful talk that my daughter pointed me to:

http://www.byutv.org/watch/ee63f694-d8af-4a42-b9fa-3411041190c7/byu-devotional-address-sterling-hilton---101315

Make.It.Stop.

Please.

Note to Self: This is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

My son started a new neuro program recently that I am very excited about. It has been a long time since I have been open to introducing a new "program" but it's a sign that he is doing so well physically and emotionally that his body is ready to be taught. And it's a sign that I am now ready to handle something more. This weekend I overdid it so I wrote this to process and as a reminder to pace myself.

My son was holding the vibrating massager in his mouth for a while as I was getting ready for church. After I took it out and led him to the car, he started very LOUD vocalizing, not upset, just loud and persistent. This is not a new behavior but it doesn't happen super often any more, and most Sundays my husband is able to sit with him in the chapel while I lead the music. He rarely needs to take him out to the foyer anymore. When my son has gotten into this vocalizing groove before, nothing I've tried has gotten him out of it. When we got to church I took my son directly to the foyer for Sacrament Meeting because he was so loud and couldn't stop. I tried putting the massager near his mouth, or feeding him, and he was just as loud even as he was chewing his food. I had already been alone with him for the entire previous day since my husband had left early in the morning to fly to Asia (usually he takes my son out for several hours on Saturday afternoons, and takes care of him during Sacrament Meeting), and I really wanted to hear the meeting. He was so loud that I knew he could be heard in the chapel and I could barely hear the audio that was piped into the foyer. Two of my friends took pity on me and insisted on sitting with my son while I sat in the chapel and enjoyed the meeting. Then one of them took him for the second hour and her husband took him for the third hour, spending part of it driving him around in their car. Angels.

(Developmental Note: The sounds that he was making were varied and one friend says she heard a phrase (I can't remember what) and the other says she heard him say, "Banana.")

The weather has been extremely hot and I had to work not to berate myself for only doing one neuro session with my son on Saturday, and for not taking him out for a drive like he usually gets when my husband is home.

Church was awesome and my son's behavior was perfect today, so things could have been worse, and they have been MUCH worse. I have experienced many, many very difficult Sundays over the past 4-5 years dealing with his extreme tantrums and self-injury. Today he was just being happy and expressive, but my tears flowed easily and often just from the sheer burden of feeling that this was all on my shoulders, then from gratitude for the sacrament passed to me by a smiling twelve-year old, and the help, kindness, and true words that came from my dear friends and teachers.

He was calm and quiet when I got him back after church, and we enjoyed a long drive in the air-conditioned car, and then I got the idea to do one of his neuro eye exercises by driving slow left-turn circles (in the air-conditioned car!) in our cul-de-sac! This worked well and when I glanced back at my son it looked like his eyes were doing the right thing. I wanted to do ten but could only do eight before I became dizzy. Still, it counts!

I realized today that I need to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Whenever I start a new thing with my son, I am very gung-ho and do my best to do everything I'm supposed to do, not to mention the detailed reporting that I like to do. I need to realize that because I'm using my afternoon helpers to help with the program, and I'm personally actively participating, I'm cutting into time that used to be 100% respite for me. Even though his self-injury is almost completely gone, he is BIG, I cook all his food from scratch, and I still have a lot of diapers to change and laundry to wash. I need to pace myself and give myself a break. I really appreciate that the neuro doc I'm working with is not pushing too hard like I was pushed in the last program I did, which was helpful but also traumatic for me. I'm  also grateful that this doc does housecalls and direct treatment, and that I have wonderful helpers to do some of the exercises.

I realized today that even though I thought I was handling everything well, that when my friends offered to help today and I burst into tears, I really needed the respite. This allowed me to replenish myself and others to have the blessing of spending time with my son.

Emotional First Aid: "Let's BOP!"

I created this graphic as a quick way to remind a friend who struggles with ups and downs to remember how to get herself back on track. Often when we are stressed out we are too distracted to do the things that will help us feel better. As often seems to happen with me, I had the opportunity to take my own advice:

I was getting ready to go away by myself for a few days, something I had been looking forward to but which also required a lot of preparation of food and meds for my son. Even though I had done quite a bit more ahead of time than I usually do, the week of the trip I found myself going through my typical pre-trip panic. I used oils, which are super supportive emotionally, but had not done the other two steps. I was in my son's room with him and remembered to pray and read the Book of Mormon, which was convenient as there was a copy right next to me on his bookshelf. I said a quick prayer and grabbed the book which fell open to Mosiah 24. I started reading and was not overwhelmed by the content but I kept on reading. Then I turned the page and verse 14 jumped out at me:

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

Um, that is MY scripture. That was one that helped me through the years of trying to find answers to the self-injury. And it was a personal message to me that God knows me and knows what I'm going through. I love this book and the comfort and truth it contains!

You Get to Keep the Joy

I've been struggling with things in my life feeling unsettled or not happening when I want them to. There are several people I know from church or elsewhere who are dealing with mysterious health challenges like I have gone through with my son. I shared some of these thoughts in testimony meeting last week and had been meaning to type them in my journal:

"And let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." Galatians 6:9

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceeded that which is great." D&C 64:33

We have no idea how long it took Noah to build the ark or any of the other miraculously epic accomplishments that we read about in the scriptures, not to mention the women who had miracle children in their old age after years of infertility. A journey of a thousand miles is made up of single steps combined with a vision of what God wants for you. This is God's pattern in everything, including the development of a fetus, then a child, growth of a tree, construction of a building, family, or organization. You can't rush things and you can't skip steps. When someone appears to have an overnight conversion or a miraculous healing, there are many small steps that have laid the foundation for it, helped the person build their faith, or prepared the person to receive it. There are many among us who are struggling with seemingly intractable health or other challenges. Five years ago I embarked on a desperate search to get my son to stop trying to constantly hit himself. After one year of medical consultations, meds that didn't work, karate helmets and boxing gloves, a lot of blood and bruises when he wiggled out of his protective gear, and several nearly broken noses for me, I finally found someone who knew how to help him. My son has been improving gradually for the past four years, and for the past year he has only tried to hit himself once a week instead of every twenty minutes, and he calms down almost instantly. I testify that the atonement of Jesus Christ is real and washes away all pain and sorrow, but you get to keep the lessons and the joy!