When I first started Sam's autism recovery journey, I was challenged by another autism mom who had successfully recovered her son, to write down what life will look like when Sam is fully recovered. It was REALLY hard to picture but I did it. I originally wrote this on May 30, 2012. I pretty much forgot about it until I discovered it recently. Currently I'm putting more efforts into helping Sam spell to communicate than recover from autism, and many spellers in the autism world believe in accepting and embracing autism rather than recovering from it. I'm basking in the miracle of finally getting to know my son through spelling to communicate and am at peace with whatever he wants to do with his life, including continuing to help his body heal. It is amazing how many things I get to check off the list now, 7 1/2 years later!!
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So this morning after some really rough hours last night and this morning with the little guy, some of my story started to pop into my head and I decided to write it. This is personal and sacred.
My most minimal prayer is for him to stop being in pain, and for him to stop hurting himself and me. On top of that I pray that he will talk so that we will know what he needs. Here is what I am trying to see:
When Sam is recovered, my life will not be perfect. I will still have lots of challenges; they will just be different.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to help him work through his emotions about being adopted.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to address the idea of contact with his birthfamily again.
When Sam is recovered, he will have homework.
When Sam is recovered, he will be invited to friends' houses and will want to invite friends over. Noisy not-so-little boys, some of whom who will annoy me.
When Sam is recovered, he will ask for things in stores.
When Sam is recovered, he will nag me to stay up later playing video games.
(Gentle readers, the above might seem trivial but I am sobbing now.)
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to make the decision to be baptized.
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to make the decision to have a patriarchal blessing.
When Sam is recovered, he will have the opportunity to receive the priesthood, and pass and bless the Sacrament.
When Sam is recovered, he might be teased by the other kids, and he will care.
When Sam is recovered, he might tell me how angry he is at me.
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to do things with his dad that they can both enjoy together, like playing catch, riding bikes, going to the movies and the zoo, instead of just being pushed around in the stroller or driven in the car listening to music.
When Sam is recovered, I will have to drive him to early morning seminary.
When Sam is recovered, he will be subjected to all the pressures of other teenagers.
When Sam is recovered, he will go away to college and we will be empty nesters.
(Insert more tears here.)
When Sam is recovered, he will have the opportunity to go on a full-time mission, maybe to China.
When Sam is recovered, we will be able to go out to dinner, on vacations, and to parties as a family without hours or days of preparation.
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to go to the bathroom by himself.
When Sam is recovered, we won't have to worry about him having a poo accident at a store or at church.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to talk to him about sex, and try to keep him from having it.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to teach him how to drive.
When Sam is recovered, we will be able to take him through the temple.
When Sam is recovered, we will have lots and lots and lots of conversations.
When Sam is recovered, his face and legs won't be covered with bruises.
When Sam is recovered, he will want to wear different clothes.
When Sam is recovered, he will play his music too loud and his room will be a mess.
When Sam is recovered, he will come up to me and give me a hug.
When Sam is recovered, he will open the front door after school and say, "Hi, Mom, I'm home!"
When Sam is recovered, he will ask, "What's for dinner? I'm starving!"
(I wonder what his voice will sound like when he is speaking in sentences.)
When Sam is recovered, I will have to find another hobby.
When Sam is recovered, my husband and I will be able to go on a mission.
When Sam is recovered, he will get to visit his sisters and brother in their homes.
(It is so hard to visualize a normal life. I think it will be a shock. I think it will happen gradually.)
When Sam is recovered, he will be famous. He will have so much to teach everyone about coming out of autism.
This is not really the story that my friend prescribed. She suggested describing a single day, the details, the party we would have, the feel of the sand on the beach between my toes, etc. (Her son recovered almost overnight.) I guess I am not visualizing a single day at this point. But it was really helpful to express the things that will be weird and hard about raising a typical teenage boy. I think that it is true that I am getting benefits from him not progressing. I will own that. Raising my first typical teenage boy was no picnic.
But oh how much fun it still is to hear my older son sing! And to watch him play with his puppy or eat me out of house and home. I can't wait to hear Sam sing! I wonder if he can carry a tune?
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Friday, November 8, 2019
A “Laugh-A-Lot” Wink
I had a sweet "Laugh-A-Lot Wink" yesterday. (This is like a God Wink which is a special "coincidental" experience that reminds you He's there, but it was from my BFF in heaven, "Laugh-A-Lot", or LAL for short.) I've been massively decluttering in preparation for construction and came across my violin which I hadn't touched in years and needed repairs to be even playable. It's a nice instrument that was a financial stretch for my parents to buy for me forty years ago and I thought it might be worth some money now, that I could put into a new countertop or something. I also have a severely ill friend who needs life-saving treatment and it felt good to think I could use this money to help her. I had no desire to play again and it seemed wasteful to just keep the violin in a closet, so I made an appointment to have it appraised.
I texted my girls to see if they were OK with me selling it, and they were fine, except that A surprised me by saying she wanted it if I decided not to sell. As I contemplated the idea of A having it, I felt really good, but I was still really thinking of selling it if it was worth a lot.
I made the appraisal appointment and drove down to the guy's shop in La Jolla yesterday. As I drove, mental recordings of classical pieces I had not thought about in years flooded my mind, and felt so grateful for the wonderful musical education and experiences I'd had over the years. And I felt sad about parting ways with this instrument. As I entered the city of La Jolla I got even more emotional as I realized the last time I had been here was to take a hike with LAL to the top of Mount Soledad! What a beautiful memory!
I got to the shop and the owner turned out to be a real character, which is an LAL Adventure story in and of itself! He told me the instrument didn't have a lot of resale value and would cost $655(!) to be repaired! As I tried to digest this information, a woman came into the shop to pick up a new bow. She turned out to be a professional violinist who proceeded to play samples of beautiful pieces as she compared the qualities of three different bows, and asked us which one we liked best! It was gorgeous and fun. By the time she had finished playing, I had decided to spend the money for the repairs and start playing again!!
On the way home I decided to take the scenic route and got lost. My GPS redirect took me right past Mount Soledad! I drove right past the cross AND the icky porta-potty that LAL and I desperately needed but were loathe to use! The view on the way home was stunning and I was filled with excitement about playing again. I recalled LAL's cadre of elderly friends who sang, wrote, and performed poetry in public and realized I'm not too old to cultivate my musical talents.
When I got home, I texted A and she was excited and says she wants to have us play something together (her on piano or guitar) when she comes for Thanksgiving!
This had LAL's fingerprints all over it! I had had a stressful week and she got me out of the house, looking at beautiful views, having an adventure, and feeling so much joy! Last night I stayed up too late listening to some of my old classical pieces on YouTube and can't wait to get my violin back!
(Texted to LAL's husband and sister)
I texted my girls to see if they were OK with me selling it, and they were fine, except that A surprised me by saying she wanted it if I decided not to sell. As I contemplated the idea of A having it, I felt really good, but I was still really thinking of selling it if it was worth a lot.
I made the appraisal appointment and drove down to the guy's shop in La Jolla yesterday. As I drove, mental recordings of classical pieces I had not thought about in years flooded my mind, and felt so grateful for the wonderful musical education and experiences I'd had over the years. And I felt sad about parting ways with this instrument. As I entered the city of La Jolla I got even more emotional as I realized the last time I had been here was to take a hike with LAL to the top of Mount Soledad! What a beautiful memory!
I got to the shop and the owner turned out to be a real character, which is an LAL Adventure story in and of itself! He told me the instrument didn't have a lot of resale value and would cost $655(!) to be repaired! As I tried to digest this information, a woman came into the shop to pick up a new bow. She turned out to be a professional violinist who proceeded to play samples of beautiful pieces as she compared the qualities of three different bows, and asked us which one we liked best! It was gorgeous and fun. By the time she had finished playing, I had decided to spend the money for the repairs and start playing again!!
On the way home I decided to take the scenic route and got lost. My GPS redirect took me right past Mount Soledad! I drove right past the cross AND the icky porta-potty that LAL and I desperately needed but were loathe to use! The view on the way home was stunning and I was filled with excitement about playing again. I recalled LAL's cadre of elderly friends who sang, wrote, and performed poetry in public and realized I'm not too old to cultivate my musical talents.
When I got home, I texted A and she was excited and says she wants to have us play something together (her on piano or guitar) when she comes for Thanksgiving!
This had LAL's fingerprints all over it! I had had a stressful week and she got me out of the house, looking at beautiful views, having an adventure, and feeling so much joy! Last night I stayed up too late listening to some of my old classical pieces on YouTube and can't wait to get my violin back!
(Texted to LAL's husband and sister)
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