When I first started Sam's autism recovery journey, I was challenged by another autism mom who had successfully recovered her son, to write down what life will look like when Sam is fully recovered. It was REALLY hard to picture but I did it. I originally wrote this on May 30, 2012. I pretty much forgot about it until I discovered it recently. Currently I'm putting more efforts into helping Sam spell to communicate than recover from autism, and many spellers in the autism world believe in accepting and embracing autism rather than recovering from it. I'm basking in the miracle of finally getting to know my son through spelling to communicate and am at peace with whatever he wants to do with his life, including continuing to help his body heal. It is amazing how many things I get to check off the list now, 7 1/2 years later!!
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So this morning after some really rough hours last night and this morning with the little guy, some of my story started to pop into my head and I decided to write it. This is personal and sacred.
My most minimal prayer is for him to stop being in pain, and for him to stop hurting himself and me. On top of that I pray that he will talk so that we will know what he needs. Here is what I am trying to see:
When Sam is recovered, my life will not be perfect. I will still have lots of challenges; they will just be different.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to help him work through his emotions about being adopted.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to address the idea of contact with his birthfamily again.
When Sam is recovered, he will have homework.
When Sam is recovered, he will be invited to friends' houses and will want to invite friends over. Noisy not-so-little boys, some of whom who will annoy me.
When Sam is recovered, he will ask for things in stores.
When Sam is recovered, he will nag me to stay up later playing video games.
(Gentle readers, the above might seem trivial but I am sobbing now.)
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to make the decision to be baptized.
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to make the decision to have a patriarchal blessing.
When Sam is recovered, he will have the opportunity to receive the priesthood, and pass and bless the Sacrament.
When Sam is recovered, he might be teased by the other kids, and he will care.
When Sam is recovered, he might tell me how angry he is at me.
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to do things with his dad that they can both enjoy together, like playing catch, riding bikes, going to the movies and the zoo, instead of just being pushed around in the stroller or driven in the car listening to music.
When Sam is recovered, I will have to drive him to early morning seminary.
When Sam is recovered, he will be subjected to all the pressures of other teenagers.
When Sam is recovered, he will go away to college and we will be empty nesters.
(Insert more tears here.)
When Sam is recovered, he will have the opportunity to go on a full-time mission, maybe to China.
When Sam is recovered, we will be able to go out to dinner, on vacations, and to parties as a family without hours or days of preparation.
When Sam is recovered, he will be able to go to the bathroom by himself.
When Sam is recovered, we won't have to worry about him having a poo accident at a store or at church.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to talk to him about sex, and try to keep him from having it.
When Sam is recovered, we will have to teach him how to drive.
When Sam is recovered, we will be able to take him through the temple.
When Sam is recovered, we will have lots and lots and lots of conversations.
When Sam is recovered, his face and legs won't be covered with bruises.
When Sam is recovered, he will want to wear different clothes.
When Sam is recovered, he will play his music too loud and his room will be a mess.
When Sam is recovered, he will come up to me and give me a hug.
When Sam is recovered, he will open the front door after school and say, "Hi, Mom, I'm home!"
When Sam is recovered, he will ask, "What's for dinner? I'm starving!"
(I wonder what his voice will sound like when he is speaking in sentences.)
When Sam is recovered, I will have to find another hobby.
When Sam is recovered, my husband and I will be able to go on a mission.
When Sam is recovered, he will get to visit his sisters and brother in their homes.
(It is so hard to visualize a normal life. I think it will be a shock. I think it will happen gradually.)
When Sam is recovered, he will be famous. He will have so much to teach everyone about coming out of autism.
This is not really the story that my friend prescribed. She suggested describing a single day, the details, the party we would have, the feel of the sand on the beach between my toes, etc. (Her son recovered almost overnight.) I guess I am not visualizing a single day at this point. But it was really helpful to express the things that will be weird and hard about raising a typical teenage boy. I think that it is true that I am getting benefits from him not progressing. I will own that. Raising my first typical teenage boy was no picnic.
But oh how much fun it still is to hear my older son sing! And to watch him play with his puppy or eat me out of house and home. I can't wait to hear Sam sing! I wonder if he can carry a tune?
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