Am I Whelmed?

Too early to text; I'm still pondering our chat yesterday. Please look at the memory Kelly Jo posted on FB yesterday. Our "small" efforts do make a difference. 

Also, this morning the thought came to me, "I know about being overwhelmed or underwhelmed but can I just be whelmed?" Currently I'm hovering between whelmed and overwhelmed. It takes a lot of work, wisdom, and discernment to keep from being overwhelmed by not just my own responsibilities but the needs of suffering friends. When we're overwhelmed, we can get snippy and our health suffers and the people for whom we have primary stewardship suffer. We need to "lift where we stand" and not do more than we can. So let's stay whelmed!

Sorry you have to have a root canal today—hope it goes well!

❤️ MindyC

Devotional on Personal Revelation September 20, 2020

https://drive.google.com/file/d/13eUoySaA4ZUge76RxRxX4zttOGce1if0/view

I'd like to welcome the new folks to the ward and introduce myself. I'm married to H and have two daughters, two sons, a son-in-law, and two grandchildren. My claim to fame is my youngest child, Sam, who is 18 with severe nonspeaking autism and although he needs assistance with physical tasks is brilliant and is becoming fluent at spelling to communicate. Please friend me on Facebook if you want to learn more about amazing Sam.

I adore the topic of Personal Revelation! I was electrified by general relief society president Julie Beck's statement in April 2010 General Conference that "The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life….Those who earnestly seek help through prayer and scripture study often have a paper and pencil nearby to write questions and record impressions and ideas….Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times."

I know this to be true. Some time after that talk was given I was asked to give a stake conference talk on personal revelation, and taking Julie Beck's advice, for about two weeks I carried around a notebook with a pen tied to it and I jotted down every time I had a personal revelation. I counted everything from feelings of peace to ideas to spiritual truths to impressions to calls to action. I was stunned to discover that I averaged about a dozen distinct instances a day and when I charted them on the computer and printed them out it was twenty pages long! I taped the pages together side by side and while delivering the talk had members of the stake presidency hold it up behind me while I stood at the podium. There is not room to do this here, but trust me, the heavens are open, and they are open to every single one of us who wants to try this.

I have a lot going on around me. Sam has been home from school since March and although he is delightful, I was used to having some alone time and knowing that other people besides me were giving him attention. We have a major remodel going on at our house so it is very noisy here from 6:30am-4:30pm Monday through Friday. Henry's lovely parents moved to our neighborhood in June and we have been busy helping them get settled.

I'm constantly praying because I'm either constantly in need of help or grateful for the help. And I am truly bathed in help.

In addition to feeling sadness for those who have lost their lives in this pandemic or other world events, I'm sure I'm not the only person who wakes up in the morning in a panic that we're all going to die of Covid19. And if I go to Home Depot to buy flowers am I putting my family at risk?

God, through the Holy Spirit, constantly comforts, assures, and guides me so I can move forward with life. As I have tried to pray and read my scriptures every day, He has blessed me with an overwhelming sense of peace in spite of current events.

Sudden Strokes of Ideas

Often I receive personal revelation in the form of "sudden strokes of ideas" as the prophet Joseph Smith taught. One of my favorite love messages from God is a good idea, and He cares about what I care about.

For example, I love to create and design, especially with flowers and home interiors. I also need to drive Sam around in the car for at least an hour every day to support his sensory needs. To make this more fun for me, I "shop" for wildflowers along the side of the road. But it seems like the best flowers are always along a busy street with no place to pull over. One day I said a little prayer to find a safe place to stop, and immediately the idea came to me to go to the La Costa Park and Ride lot and I found a treasure trove of blooms!

My daughter, J, and her boyfriend, S, lived with us from April through August to help with Sam and get the house ready for Henry's parents. One day as S was dismantling a whole bunch of old shelves and cabinets, the idea popped into my head to use that reclaimed wood to make a giant table for my back patio. And I even remembered I had an old set of casters so I could put it on wheels and easily move it into shadier spots as the sun moved. That table is now sacred ground to me. We ate there, yes, but we also used it as a sacrament table when my daughter, Alena, came to visit with her husband and kids, S and J wrote on their laptops there, we had many profound discussions while sitting there.

These examples of creative strokes of ideas are not trivial and are vital to my mental health, but I also have need of strokes of ideas that are more overtly of the "life and death" variety. I have a special connection to Mindy H in the ward (my "name twin") and a few months ago when she was pregnant with baby C and having serious digestive issues, I was racking my brain to come up with ideas for things she could eat. Almost daily ideas for new ways to combine her "allowed" ingredients would plop down into my head and they were delicious and almost always exactly what she needed.

God Winks
Another category of personal revelation is what I call "God Winks". These are just sweet, serendipitous things that happen that make me smile. Earlier in the year when you couldn't just buy face masks, I was sewing as many masks as I could for my pharmacy and front line friends and I also made some for my elderly neighbors. One day I got a text from my neighbor that said she was just in Home Depot and ran into someone who was wearing an identical Hawaiian print mask! They talked and found out that they had both gotten their masks from me, and the other gal was my friend who works at the VA hospital. It still makes me smile to recall this memory!

Next Steps

I am often paralyzed with fear about how I'm going to accomplish the tasks before me. But when I take a deep breath and pray, I am given encouragement to just take the next step and not worry about the rest. In the case of moving forward with writing this talk, my next step was to email my notes to myself, and then eat breakfast.

Water

Prayer and scripture study are important keys to facilitate personal revelation, but running water is a really helpful tool as well. I find that the flow of water while doing dishes, taking a shower, or watering my garden encourages the flow of ideas.

Journaling
If you want to be more aware of personal revelation in your life, it helps to keep a "hand of God" journal. In his beautiful October 2007 conference talk, Elder Henry Eyring said, "Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him."

Don't overthink this. This can be as simple as a note on your phone or a little notepad you carry in your purse. Noise and people are almost constantly around me and sometimes it is hard to remember. I am so grateful that since quarantine started in March I have kept a little journal on my notes app on my phone because going back and reading about those experiences and feelings and words of wisdom is like having past Mindy come to the future and comfort current Mindy.

The Biggies
I've shared about little bits of help every single day, and occasionally I will get a biggie. My autistic son, Sam, can't speak with his mouth and has difficulty doing things with his body that most of us take for granted. Until a few years ago I thought he was just as disabled inside, and church policy and our bishop said that he had no need of baptism. But in April of 2017 he started learning to spell to communicate and I started to discuss baptism with my husband but we couldn't come to a decision about whether it was necessary. Then in October 2018 I was reading the Book of Mormon in response to present Nelson's Book of Mormon challenge and I came to 2 Nephi 31:5-7 that explained why Jesus needed to be baptized. It hit me so strongly and clearly that if Jesus needed to be baptized, why not Sam? I talked to my husband and we decided to have Sam start taking the missionary lessons! The missionaries were wonderful. It took a year for Sam to get clear enough on the letterboards to spell that he wanted to get baptized and spell the answers to his baptism interview questions. Samuel was baptized on Thanksgiving Eve 2019 at the age of 17, and now he is preparing for a service mission and I will be his companion!

And speaking of missions, our full time missionaries Elder T and L have been teaching us mission prep classes which Sam absolutely loves and the elders are incredibly inspired as they customize their teaching to Sam's unique abilities. The spirit that the missionaries bring to our home (or in this case, our patio) is sweet and profound. There is nothing like it.

The Lord has promised:

"I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." D&C 84:88

 "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." Mosiah 24:11

"And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." 1 Nephi 17:13

During this unique year I've been challenged in many ways but also bathed in help. I love the song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me", especially the last verse: "He is always near me though I do not see him there and because he loves me dearly I am in his watchful care...." I know that this is true. I know from experience that God is right beside us and that he cares about what we care about and all we have to do is pray, listen, and act.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Call Your Mom

I never stop missing my grown kids. Loved hearing how much this young woman loves her mom.

https://magazine.byu.edu/article/call-your-mom/

Why Worry?

https://melodybeattie.com/letting-go-worry/

Article

Opinion: Now I finally understand what my grandparents knew - CNN

https://apple.news/Ayal0mTIlTJ-l2q-x38c4oA

Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

Oil In My Lamp

I've been journalling on my phone since this whole Coronavirus thing started being taken seriously in California but now almost at the end of week 2 of this "extended Spring break" I've felt to put down something blog-worthy. Just like everything else these days, I'm going to not sweat the small stuff and just get it out without too much editing. (That's one of many wonderful by-products of this "shift" (as Dr. C calls it) that this world was overdue for. I'm kind of loving seeing news show guests and late-night hosts broadcasting from their homes, etc.)

I'm just finding myself really grateful that my lamp was full before this all became a thing and that I already had a lot of practice discerning the voice of the Spirit, and it's becoming clearer than ever. I have my moments of panic throughout the day but they are quickly dispelled by activities, people, or promptings. Some examples:

—Don't get rid of that fabric. (Turned out to be invaluable in my mask-sewing efforts.)

—Go ahead and reserve that storage unit. No, really, now. And get the one nearby. (So glad I did that months before all this happened because taking daily trips to add to it has been a great errand to do with Sam. Also, crazy as it sounds, opening up that rolling garage door to see my stuff exactly as I left it has given me a message of security and stability.)

—Press forward with your plans. It will be OK. (We are in the process of helping my in-laws buy a house here and almost ready to start a major home addition! On paper this is kind of crazy but both my husband and I feel good about it and why not plan on things working out? It's been a lot of work and stress but also SUCH a gift and comfort to work on house plans and design when this global situation can make you feel like things are shifting under your feet.)

I've been feeling the peace of the spirit through all of this but what I've been craving most is to feel NORMAL. It's not normal to have my husband and son in the house all day every day. It's not normal to not grocery shop every week or to feel like I need to constantly wash my hands. It's not normal to suddenly think carefully about whether I really need another paper towel. It's not normal to see and hear people constantly taking walks in my neighborhood. I'm not saying all those things aren't actually good, they just don't feel normal. But working on house stuff feels normal. Sewing feels normal. Doing housework feels normal. Working outside is not just normal, it's glorious and healing and communing with God.

In addition to very precise and useful promptings, feeling overwhelming gratitude for so many things, and feeling lavishly bathed in the peace of the Spirit, I'm so much more sensitive to EVERYTHING. I must eat regularly or my mood goes down. I must get outside. I must spend time with plants. I must create.

I think a lot of the baggage has been stripped away for me and for so many in the Western world who are not used to this kind of struggle, and for me it's leaving the pure essence of what's important.

"When Sam is Healed"

When I first started Sam's autism recovery journey, I was challenged by another autism mom who had successfully recovered her son, to write down what life will look like when Sam is fully recovered. It was REALLY hard to picture but I did it. I originally wrote this on May 30, 2012. I pretty much forgot about it until I discovered it recently. Currently I'm putting more efforts into helping Sam spell to communicate than recover from autism, and many spellers in the autism world believe in accepting and embracing autism rather than recovering from it. I'm basking in the miracle of finally getting to know my son through spelling to communicate and am at peace with whatever he wants to do with his life, including continuing to help his body heal. It is amazing how many things I get to check off the list now, 7 1/2 years later!!

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So this morning after some really rough hours last night and this morning with the little guy, some of my story started to pop into my head and I decided to write it. This is personal and sacred. 

My most minimal prayer is for him to stop being in pain, and for him to stop hurting himself and me. On top of that I pray that he will talk so that we will know what he needs. Here is what I am trying to see:

When Sam is recovered, my life will not be perfect. I will still have lots of challenges; they will just be different. 

When Sam is recovered, we will have to help him work through his emotions about being adopted.

When Sam is recovered, we will have to address the idea of contact with his birthfamily again.

When Sam is recovered, he will have homework.

When Sam is recovered, he will be invited to friends' houses and will want to invite friends over. Noisy not-so-little boys, some of whom who will annoy me.

When Sam is recovered, he will ask for things in stores.

When Sam is recovered, he will nag me to stay up later playing video games.

(Gentle readers, the above might seem trivial but I am sobbing now.)

When Sam is recovered, he will be able to make the decision to be baptized.

When Sam is recovered, he will be able to make the decision to have a patriarchal blessing.

When Sam is recovered, he will have the opportunity to receive the priesthood, and pass and bless the Sacrament.

When Sam is recovered, he might be teased by the other kids, and he will care.

When Sam is recovered, he might tell me how angry he is at me.

When Sam is recovered, he will be able to do things with his dad that they can both enjoy together, like playing catch, riding bikes, going to the movies and the zoo, instead of just being pushed around in the stroller or driven in the car listening to music.

When Sam is recovered, I will have to drive him to early morning seminary.

When Sam is recovered, he will be subjected to all the pressures of other teenagers.

When Sam is recovered, he will go away to college and we will be empty nesters.

(Insert more tears here.)

When Sam is recovered, he will have the opportunity to go on a full-time mission, maybe to China.

When Sam is recovered, we will be able to go out to dinner, on vacations, and to parties as a family without hours or days of preparation.

When Sam is recovered, he will be able to go to the bathroom by himself.

When Sam is recovered, we won't have to worry about him having a poo accident at a store or at church.

When Sam is recovered, we will have to talk to him about sex, and try to keep him from having it.

When Sam is recovered, we will have to teach him how to drive.

When Sam is recovered, we will be able to take him through the temple.

When Sam is recovered, we will have lots and lots and lots of conversations.

When Sam is recovered, his face and legs won't be covered with bruises.

When Sam is recovered, he will want to wear different clothes.

When Sam is recovered, he will play his music too loud and his room will be a mess.

When Sam is recovered, he will come up to me and give me a hug.

When Sam is recovered, he will open the front door after school and say, "Hi, Mom, I'm home!"

When Sam is recovered, he will ask, "What's for dinner? I'm starving!"

(I wonder what his voice will sound like when he is speaking in sentences.)

When Sam is recovered, I will have to find another hobby.

When Sam is recovered, my husband and I will be able to go on a mission.

When Sam is recovered, he will get to visit his sisters and brother in their homes.

(It is so hard to visualize a normal life. I think it will be a shock. I think it will happen gradually.)

When Sam is recovered, he will be famous. He will have so much to teach everyone about coming out of autism.

This is not really the story that my friend prescribed. She suggested describing a single day, the details, the party we would have, the feel of the sand on the beach between my toes, etc. (Her son recovered almost overnight.) I guess I am not visualizing a single day at this point. But it was really helpful to express the things that will be weird and hard about raising a typical teenage boy. I think that it is true that I am getting benefits from him not progressing. I will own that. Raising my first typical teenage boy was no picnic.

But oh how much fun it still is to hear my older son sing! And to watch him play with his puppy or eat me out of house and home. I can't wait to hear Sam sing! I wonder if he can carry a tune?

 

A “Laugh-A-Lot” Wink

I had a sweet "Laugh-A-Lot Wink" yesterday. (This is like a God Wink which is a special "coincidental" experience that reminds you He's there, but it was from my BFF in heaven, "Laugh-A-Lot", or LAL for short.) I've been massively decluttering in preparation for construction and came across my violin which I hadn't touched in years and needed repairs to be even playable. It's a nice instrument that was a financial stretch for my parents to buy for me forty years ago and I thought it might be worth some money now, that I could put into a new countertop or something. I also have a severely ill friend who needs life-saving treatment and it felt good to think I could use this money to help her. I had no desire to play again and it seemed wasteful to just keep the violin in a closet, so I made an appointment to have it appraised.

I texted my girls to see if they were OK with me selling it, and they were fine, except that A surprised me by saying she wanted it if I decided not to sell. As I contemplated the idea of A having it, I felt really good, but I was still really thinking of selling it if it was worth a lot.

I made the appraisal appointment and drove down to the guy's shop in La Jolla yesterday. As I drove, mental recordings of classical pieces I had not thought about in years flooded my mind, and felt so grateful for the wonderful musical education and experiences I'd had over the years. And I felt sad about parting ways with this instrument. As I entered the city of La Jolla I got even more emotional as I realized the last time I had been here was to take a hike with LAL to the top of Mount Soledad! What a beautiful memory!

I got to the shop and the owner turned out to be a real character, which is an LAL Adventure story in and of itself! He told me the instrument didn't have a lot of resale value and would cost $655(!) to be repaired! As I tried to digest this information, a woman came into the shop to pick up a new bow. She turned out to be a professional violinist who proceeded to play samples of beautiful pieces as she compared the qualities of three different bows, and asked us which one we liked best! It was gorgeous and fun. By the time she had finished playing, I had decided to spend the money for the repairs and start playing again!!

On the way home I decided to take the scenic route and got lost. My GPS redirect took me right past Mount Soledad! I drove right past the cross AND the icky porta-potty that LAL and I desperately needed but were loathe to use! The view on the way home was stunning and I was filled with excitement about playing again. I recalled LAL's cadre of elderly friends who sang, wrote, and performed poetry in public and realized I'm not too old to cultivate my musical talents.

When I got home, I texted A and she was excited and says she wants to have us play something together (her on piano or guitar) when she comes for Thanksgiving!

This had LAL's fingerprints all over it! I had had a stressful week and she got me out of the house, looking at beautiful views, having an adventure, and feeling so much joy! Last night I stayed up too late listening to some of my old classical pieces on YouTube and can't wait to get my violin back!

(Texted to LAL's husband and sister)

What I Want the Most

Monday Morning Heaven, Track 1

Sam is at school. He smiled all weekend and I did my best to put my worries about his progress on the back burner and just enjoy him. This morning I'm enjoying not hearing the sound of him grinding his teeth.

So many things to catch up on today when all I want to do is paint.

(Eat dessert first, right?)

Scratch scratch goes the brush on my scuffed hallway walls. (Sherwin Williams "Wool Skein".)

Soft singing comes from my almost-30-year-old faux-tough-on-the-outside son in the shower. What a sacred sound.

Scratch scratch. I think I love this color.

"Heeeeey Bowie Bowie Bowie," son lovingly greets his dog.

Scratch scratch. I'm glad Friday's 1-year-anniversary beach memorial for my "Laugh-a-Lot" BFF is over. It doesn't mean I'm still not sad. I don't think I'm ever going to not miss her. Crash goes the memory of Friday's beautiful waves in my mind.

Slurp slurp slurp slurp. That dog smells and leaves hair EVERYWHERE. But that slurping from his water bowl is a sweet sound.

Scrape scrape clank clank comes from the garage as my son does homework for his woodworking class. He's healthy. He's alive. I get to see him every day.

Scratch scratch. "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

The "home church" lesson as I like to call it absolutely nails it every week. So grateful for that. I got to talk to one of my daughters last night about thoughts about the scriptures, and chat with the other about her new haircut and decorating ideas for her bedroom.

Scratch scratch. I love this color. It feels so good to make something beautiful, to have control over something, instant gratification.

On Friday I scratched Laugh-a-Lot's name in the sand, and her sister and I made a big heart out of rocks. It felt so good to play in the sand. Her husband sprinkled some of her in the Pacific. It was beautiful at the time, but really hit me on Saturday and Sunday, and reminded me that my brother's body is in bits in the North Atlantic.

Click click click click. I stopped painting to write this. I need to go back to painting. It gets my emotions back on track.

I'm testing a wall color for the addition we hope to do to make room for lots of kid and grandkid visits. My older son says Dad loves those grandkids even more than I do. I said that's not possible. Son says, no, he's just more quiet about it. He could be right. It feels so good to be excited about our family together. #unity

My baby girl is coming to visit in just four days, and other daughter and her family are coming at the end of the month!

"When other helpers fail and comforts flee, help of the helpless, oh, Abide with me.....Earth's joys grow dim, its glories pass away. Change and decay in all around I see, Oh, thou who changest not, abide with me." The elderly music leader who took over the calling from me often picks weird songs that nobody knows and I often say to myself that I picked better songs. But boy, was she inspired with the closing song yesterday. Yesterday the three most reliable sharers in my ward bore their testimonies and each of them said something that directly answered my prayers and comforted me.

"Let's go, Bowie!" Sound of joyfully scampering feet. Click goes the leash. Slam goes the door.

Baby girl who loves to write told me last night that I'm a good writer. I was touched and she kind of inspired me to sit down and write this. The difference, though, gentle reader, is that I would rather paint so I'm not going to spend a lot of time editing this! :)

Scratch scratch scratch!

A God Wink in the Garden Center

Posted this in the Nest but wasn't able to tag you. Thought it might encourage you. And thank you forever for teaching me to presume competence!
————————————
I'm writing this from the parking lot of Armstrong Garden Center because I can't wait to share this evidence that our kids are known, loved, and watched over. I've been a little overwhelmed about the future as Sam prepares to go to an adult transition program next year. There are so many unknowns. So I got the urge to go to the garden center this morning and get some fun stuff to plant outside Sam's bedroom window. I saw some young men watering the plants so I asked one of them if they had any honeysuckle. When I saw that he wasn't wearing an employee uniform and by the way that he spoke I realized that he might be autistic and here as part of some kind of program. BECAUSE OF S2C I PRESUMED COMPETENCE!! I wouldn't have known to do that before! He went to ask someone and he came back with a woman I knew!! She was one of Sam's preschool teachers and she is also a member of my church and now she works in the adult transition program at our local high school! (Currently Sam rides a bus to an autism school 30 minutes away.) She described the various activities they do as part of their program, including volunteering at Armstrong Garden Center! (And Sam LOVES that place!) As her students gathered around her, I continued to talk to the teacher but BECAUSE OF S2C I INCLUDED THE STUDENTS TALKED TO THEM LIKE THEY WERE PEOPLE! They were four big guys just like Sam and I could totally see Sam fitting in with them. They invited Sam to come and visit the class. They even take classes at the local community college which is something I know Sam will love. (College would have never crossed my mind before S2C.) This "coincidence" which was not a coincidence was a God Wink to remind me that we are being taken care of! And I'm telling all of you so that you will feel it, too! And it felt so good to interact with those guys and to presume competence and to witness their competence and warmth.

Tricking Yourself Into Journaling

Below is the text of the lesson I taught at a Relief Society activity tonight. A very special thing happened during the lesson. I had been feeling sad today because we just got the final accident report from the NTSB about my brother, Nate's, plane crash. I didn't think we would be getting it until the two-year anniversary in May 2019, so this was unexpected. And I had been kind of hoping for more info than what we already knew, but there wasn't much more to add or any new wreckage found. So the grief that is always just below the surface bubbled up a little. While I was teaching the lesson tonight, I randomly opened up one of my old journals to show an example of how you can combine a to-do list with a journal. The page I opened up to was November 2, 2009–my brother's birthday. And on my to-do list was to wish him a happy birthday. And it was checked off. ❤️

You can't make this stuff up, folks. God is in the details and he is so good to us. Here is my lesson:

Lesson on Creative Writing Through Journaling - - Cardiff Ward Relief Society - - Sept. 13, 2018

How many have never kept a journal or rarely do so? [Jot down names for prize later.]

God has commanded prophets and others through the ages to keep records. People sacrificed their lives to preserve and translate the records that are now our scriptures. I used to wonder why there were not as many women's stories and voices in the standard works. One day I realized that there are thousands of women's stories in the journals of our pioneer predecessors. In the preface to the brand-new church history book called Saints: The Story of the Church of Jesus Christ in the Latter Days, we read, "Saints is not scripture, but like the scriptures, each volume contains divine truth and stories of imperfect people trying to become Saints through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Their stories—like the stories of all Saints, past and present—remind readers how merciful the Lord has been to His people as they have joined together around the globe to further God's work." Commercial for this book: It is already on LDS gospel library! The audio recording is already there! It reads like a novel but every word is based on historical fact or journals!!

President Kimball, the prophet of my youth, really stressed keeping a journal and you can find his fabulous article called "The Angels May Quote From It" on lds.org. New Era Classic: The Angels May Quote from It - new-era Here is my first journal. [Read the first entry.] "I got this from my grandparents and now I don't have to write my journal on random scraps of paper." I didn't write every day and sometimes only a few times a year but I am so grateful for what I did record. Now, this type of hardback journal is very intimidating to me. I bought this beautiful journal a few years ago at TJMaxx that has all these great inspiring quotes in it, but a journal like this makes me feel like I have to write all neatly and make sure what I say is really amazing. And it's the kind of thing where if I feel like I "have to" write in my journal, I feel guilty if I don't, etc. etc.

Later on, I found a great way to trick myself into journaling and also keep my emotions healthy while I was in the thick of raising kids. Like all of God's commandments, the commandment to keep a record is to help US. [Show my spiral bound mini notebooks.] I always kept this notebook in my purse with a ribbon and a pen attached. On the right-hand side is my to-do list with a square that I got to X in when I accomplished a task. I did NOT cross off the items because this is a record, too! I can go back and be interested in the things I was doing. Even a task like driving my kids to a church activity is poignant to me now. I daily gave myself credit for every little thing I did. I didn't expect to get emotional when gathering these things for this lesson but this is a record of my life, a life made up of millions of little acts of service and joy. I left the facing page blank for recording thoughts or experiences. I would sometimes paste in a note or email I received from a friend. I treasure and preserve nice things people say about me to remind me to feel good about myself. I very deliberately make these choices to keep my mood up. Reading back over these things years later still makes me feel good.

In the process of raising my autistic son, I have done my recording more and more electronically. I document in detail every step of progress he has made. I have a blog that is just for me on which I am SO grateful that I wrote about some of my very worst days and the lessons I learned or what I was struggling with. I love looking back on my journals in my own handwriting and I think hard copies of things are very important. But I have found that the electronic form is so easily shareable with my adult kids. When I am gone they will be able to go back and easily find my words and hopefully get comfort and inspiration from them. When encouraging my kids, I can easily send them a link to something I wrote on my blog.

Now that Sam has started spelling to communicate, I have started a blog for him to record his original words and milestones. Currently it is just a few sentences but it will grow to many pages.

In conclusion, your journal doesn't have to be perfect or pretty. You can jot notes on your phone. You can save emails. You can scribble notes down on a calendar and save your calendars. I used to write down cute things the kids said on my calendar and now those are so precious to me! And if you post on facebook, did you know that you can have your facebook posts and photos made into a printed book?

To the people who rarely journal, I have these journals for you. [Hand out five journals I brought.] Here is a way to trick yourself into journaling. You will be so glad you did it. It will help your mental and spiritual health in the short run and it will bring you so much joy in the long run. I call it the Five and Five. Each day, write down five things you are grateful for and five things you are proud of yourself for. BE SPECIFIC. Don't write down the same general thing every day like that you are grateful for your family. (LAME!) Write things like you are grateful that your toddler pooped in the toilet for the first time, or that your favorite cereal was on sale, or that your college kid surprised you and called you on the phone. This practice will change your life. When you focus on the things that brought you joy, you will see the hand of God in your life and know that you are not forgotten. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Miracle Shower

Talk in SIS May 2, 2018

Although I dislike public speaking, I appreciate the opportunity to process some thoughts and recent events in my life. I'm supposed to talk about a parable of Jesus, and I was drawn to "consider the lilies". I'm not sure that's a parable but my biblical scholar daughter says it is, so I'm using it!

In Matthew 6:28-30 we read, "And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?" 

"Consider the lilies" means that Heavenly Father gives me exactly what I need in the moment I need it. 

On January 30 of 2017, I drove to Del Mar to meet my oldest and dearest friend of 30 years for our regular Monday walk, and was instead met by one of our mutual friends who told me that our friend was in the hospital with stage four cancer and had only days to live. I was naturally shocked and devastated. She's my age and has been like a sister to me for most of my life.

Well, days turned into weeks, she returned home and regained her stamina and we resumed our Monday walks! We also spent many hours together designing a quilt for her little nephew. This quilt project was a great blessing to me as color, creation, and design are a such a balm and balance for my worries.

On March 30 my first grandchild was born!

On April 16 I gave an Easter talk in sacrament meeting about how the natural world and daily events of our lives are full of resurrection messages.

 

I have a nonspeaking 16-year-old autistic son named Sam who is extremely developmentally disabled and I assumed profoundly mentally retarded. On April 17 I started him on letterboard lessons and discovered that he can read, spell, do math, and is really smart and totally aware of everything!

On May 15 my younger brother was flying a small plane carrying his girlfriend and her two small boys from Puerto Rico to Florida and they crashed in the ocean. The coast guard searched for a week and found only one small piece of the plane and a seat cushion. 

Even during this tragedy, I was so aware and grateful that my dear friend was alive and right by my side to support me through this unspeakable event.

Two weeks later we drove to Utah to celebrate my grandson's baby blessing. On the long drive I worked on plans for my brother's memorial, and was met in Utah by cousins who went out of their way to drive to Orem so they could give me a hug.

In the beginning of June, my adult son and daughter with her newborn baby flew to NH with me for my brother's service, and I got to hold my sweet new grandson through the whole thing. Friends and family showered our family with love, music, stunning floral arrangements, stories, and food. My adult kids drove me around for an hour after the service and asked me to "talk about my feelings".

I continued to go on Monday walks with my friend and work on the quilt with her and she listened to me share my sorrows and joys and I did the same for her. She especially cheered for Sam continued progress in spelling to communicate!

In September my adult son who has been out of the church and living six hours away for the past ten years, surprised us by wanting to move back home with his dog! We had not been super close because of the physical and religious distance but he has turned out to be a wonderful brother and trainer for Sam, and an emotionally intelligent and mature son!

Sam used to be extremely self-injurious and part of our shared mission is to help other kids recover from what he went through. In mid-September the company I sell products for released a new item that seemed very promising. I shared about it online and a mom who had just lived through a frightening incident with her son reached out to me. I sent her some products to try and he improved almost immediately and we became instant friends. Seeing the hand of God use Sam and me to help other families is so humbling and strengthening to us.

Sam continued to reveal more and more of himself through his letterboard lessons and started home study seminary which he loves. After we finished listening to the Book of Mormon audiobook, I felt prompted to bear testimony of the Book of Mormon in fast and testimony meeting. Sam and I walked to the pulpit together where, miraculously, he stood completely still by my side and I was voice to our shared testimony.

One month ago, after living joyfully and energetically for more than a year after her diagnosis, my friend passed away peacefully in her sleep. I will be attending her memorial this Saturday. I cry every day about her and my brother. I miss talking to her about my joys and challenges, and texting her cute videos of my grandson. I don't know what to do with my need to text her and talk with her. And it has been almost a year since my brother's passing and I still can't quite believe or process what happened. 

But even though I cry every day, my days are also full of joy!

 

This Friday night I will be taking my sixteen-year-old son to his first prom. He will look dashing in his new purple shirt and silver bow tie!

Last week I shared natural products for anxiety with six brilliant nonspeaking autistic teenagers. One of them was so anxious about walking outside that he had not been on a walk in a year. He went on his first walk last week!

I am not an animal person at all, but last week I got brave and learned how to take my grand-dog on a walk! What a small thing that is good for my health and brings another creature so much pure joy! My friend was so good at lighting a fire under me and making me walk even when I didn't want to and she was in pain. I feel like my grand-dog is carrying on that job for her.

In Utah last week I visited my kids and grandson, a one-year-old giggling wonder baby, celebrated Julia's BYU graduation, and felt inspired to plan for Sam to attend EFY at BYU next year!

As President Uchtdorf teaches, we can be grateful no matter what. "In any circumstance, our sense of gratitude is nourished by the many and sacred truths we do know: that our Father has given His children the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy, "good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over." (This whole talk is absolutely fantastic for anyone who is grieving!) https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng

This past 14 months during this time of loss I'm simultaneously experiencing joy and wonderful surprises like I've never known. I call it a "miracle shower".

Samuel's First-Ever Message to Mom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWBbjIngeq4


Sent from my iPhone

Testimony Meeting

Sam and I finished listening to the Book of Mormon yesterday. It was his second time since his first reading at the age of eight. I was very moved by Moroni's last chapters and his transcription of the letters from his now-deceased father with his strong doctrinal teachings that also must have given Moroni great comfort. I was struck by the pattern of powerful father-son prophetic duos throughout the book starting with Lehi and Nephi. I wanted to bear my testimony today and had a prompting to have Sam join me. He wasn't in a great mood before church but when the time came, he walked up to the podium with me and stood stock still next to me, holding my hand, while I spoke. Lisa said he was looking right into my face the whole time, hanging on my every word. She had never seen anything like it. After we sat down, Lisa bore her testimony as well.

First Communion Today

My fifteen-year-old son, who has been coming to church since he was a baby, partook of the sacrament for the first time today. There are several GF families in our ward and each sacrament tray holds a small cup of Rice Chex cereal along with the bread. I never had him partake before because I figured if his severe disability made him exempt from baptism, it made him exempt from everything else. It was a very sacred feeling to watch him eat the Rice Check and drink the little cup of water.

I came home from church to an email from his letterboard teacher including a religious lesson she wrote for him based on the "Who Am I?" topic from mormon.org. It was so touching to read how perfectly this nonmember teacher transferred the information into a beautiful lesson. Makes me feel warm all over. :)

Make Room for Joy

As I was busily and happily decluttering and getting my son's room ready for him to live in when he moves back home at the end of August, the words "Make Room For Joy" popped into my head and I knew it should be my theme for August and for this big new chapter in my life. I found some word art of the phrase and printed it out and framed it for my front door. I also believe that my having just paid my tithing allowed the blessing of the new tile floor to come to pass: "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." Malachi 3:10. 

My son came home for just a few days to bring a load of stuff and apply in person for the program he hopes to attend. First thing this morning he drove to campus for orientation and an interview. He called about half an hour later asking if I would bring his passport to him because he needed a second form of ID. I was happy to do it because I knew Sam would enjoy the ride. The extra blessing was seeing my tall, handsome oldest son in front of his (hopefully) new school and fresh start. It was an image I recognized as a treasure. And then as I pulled out of the parking lot onto the main road, I passed the headquarters of Chuao Chocolate on my left, with this beautiful word in front:

Today marks three months since my brother passed over. This doesn't dominate my thoughts but it's always there. What a sweet God Wink to experience this morning. The windows of heaven are overflowing with blessings for me and my family.

He's So Good to Me

Tender mercies are raining down on me right and left. Maybe I'm getting extra help because of my brother's passing, or maybe I'm noticing things more, but I'm so grateful. After about six months of discussion and pondering, my oldest child has decided to move back home (with his dog!) to further his education. I don't know if any of us would have been ready for this five years ago, but ten years after he first left home, this news bathed me in gratitude and relief. It also triggered one of my favorite maternal instincts: Nesting!

As soon as I got the news, I started clearing and reorganizing the room that he'll be using. A few months ago when it was on sale, I bought two bedrooms-worth of the wood-look ceramic tile from Lowes that I have in my living room and Sam's room. I love this stuff! I decided I wanted to get my son's room tiled before he gets here, which was an ambitious goal, plus I didn't want to spend too much.

I found a cheap and highly recommended installer and thought I was all set but turns out he couldn't start for six more weeks. I tried to tell myself it wasn't necessary to have it done by my deadline but I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I thought, what the heck, why not pray for this very specific optional-but-desirable miracle! I knew it wasn't "necessary" but I really wanted to get the tile floor installed before next Friday when my son comes down to drop off his first load of stuff. Plus, I loved the idea of getting all this done while my husband's out of town. It felt like a stretch but I just *knew* it was possible to get it done by next Weds. Focused my thoughts and prayed. Prompted to call a contractor friend's tile guy who I assumed would be super expensive. He called me right back, is equally cheap, and will start tomorrow and be done by Wednesday! God is so good to me.

Recording of My Brother's Memorial Service

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B6lJf0NYlLKgRkhHZWNsUVFhNms

With Apologies to the Kind Bagpipe Player

Read no further if you love the sound of bagpipes. Or you play the bagpipes.

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So many people are just incredibly kind and thoughtful and want to do anything they can to help with my brother's memorial service or whatever will ease our burdens. I am so grateful for people's kindness and generosity, but planning a memorial service is not the most cheery of activities and sometimes you just need a break. Today a dear friend texted me with a few updates on things she was helping with, and the last one was, "Someone has offered to play Amazing Grace on the bagpipes either before or during the service. What should I tell him?"

Major, major, much-needed belly-laughs for me! (See, I don't need to worry about offending bagpipe-lovers because if you are still reading, you can't say I didn't warn you!)

I texted back that this was such a kind offer, but we needed to politely decline.

And then I thought to myself, "If there's anything that would make me feel worse than I already do, it's bagpipes!"

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!