There are many other words I could have used in this morning's subject line, but decided to use more positive ones.
This is the second morning in a row I have been awakened in the wee hours by the sound of my son's head banging on the drywall of his room and shaking the whole house. And been up for an hour afterwards. Yesterday it was 4:30-5:30 and today it was 3:00-4:00. Ohhhhhh joy.
On the plus side, when he was stretching his legs after I took off his soaked double-diaper, he did what to me looked like a full "swords" pattern: not just legs but arms and head as well. It is a reflex that infants are supposed to do naturally so maybe that reflex is kicking in as changes are going on in his brain. I am so grateful that I had that glimmer of hope on Monday, evidence from four independent witnesses that his eyes are improving and therefore the treatments we are doing with him are having an effect.
Meanwhile, back to his sensory-processing-disordered body, the part of him that I deal with every day, let's just say that he was typically awful this morning--what morning isn't these days--but since my sleep was interrupted in the wee hours two days in a row, my emotional and physical reserves are zip. My husband was home and would have been available had he not had a conference call for work at the precise time our son was creating a tidal wave as he had his full-body tantrum in the bathtub.
Since there was no mortal help available, and there usually isn't during the worst times, I tried to remember that the Savior is right beside me walking through this and imagined myself taking a break and letting him do it for a while. Then I wondered if it was healthy to mentally dissociate myself like this, and then I decided I didn't care.
Managing to get him to stand up and to the bed so I could dry him and get his diaper on him and dress him for school, and as his body was full-slamming and his legs were scissor-kicking, I started singing Primary songs and hymns so that I wouldn't give in to my anger.
It worked. By the time I got to "How Firm a Foundation", I was crying in complete submission and desperation, but I wasn't angry.
And somehow, miraculously, he is dressed and on the bus. He looked meaningfully into my eyes and gave the driver sweet smiles as he buckled him in.
"Fear not, I am with thee,
O be not dismayed.
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand."
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Motherhood is a Choice You Make Every Day...
| "[Motherhood] is a choice you make every day, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong." Donna Ball |
Be Still: Using Gospel Principles to Lower Anxiety
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God's Cake
| From my friend, Susan, via facebook: Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away. Meanwhile, her mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely, Mom, I love your cake." "Here, have some cooking oil," her mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter. "How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!" "Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!" To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves but when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful! God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance! |
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tuesday Morning, January 17, 2012: Much Better (He is on the Bus!!)
| Weather: Cold, damp, but the sun is out 1. He slept solidly until 6:30am! 2. He did his usual behavioral shenanigans but their intensity and duration was back to normal. 3. He was calm and even smiled during his bath and breakfast. 4. He said, "Mmmmmm" when he wanted more apple. 4. He is on the bus! I can face life again. Thanks for letting me vent last night. :) |
Monday, January 16, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012: Tomorrow Will Be Better
| Weather: Cold, damp, rainy
I was awakened at 5:30am by the sound of him hitting his head. Went in and put the vibrating toothbrush to his ear with the red helmet and he calmed right down. I slept next to him for about an hour and he stayed asleep with the vibration until 8:00am.
His voice sounds hoarse—maybe he is getting sick. Is he reacting to the new vitamin c? Homeopath says that is unlikely. Sand is leaking out of his leg weights and when I touch it my fingertips turn black—probably some toxic substance from China……. Need to discard those and come up with something else. He pooed FOUR times today!! (As of 9pm, that is. The night is still young….) He smiled today while we were riding in the car. He smiled and laughed in the house for one half hour between 5:30 and 6pm.
On his mood chart I used the phrase "WILD ANIMAL" (yes, in all caps) to describe his behavior on three separate occasions, all related to poopy diapers.
Please, oh, please, I need tomorrow to be better.
Please, I need some answers.
Please, I need to see some progress. I am trying so hard with these treatments.
Please, let him sleep through the night.
Please, let him be reasonable getting ready for school tomorrow.
Please, let him go to school tomorrow and be healthy and happy and cooperative and the teacher not even think of calling me.
I realize that I am lavishly blessed and I don't deserve anything to be better as I have friends with worse trials who are not being relieved. But I pray for relief anyway.
I am thankful that I got to see him laugh today.
I am thankful that my daughter was home for part of the day, took down the Christmas tree, and got him ready for bed.
I am thankful that he is in bed now.
I am thankful that my husband was home to help me change the fourth poopy diaper.
I am thankful that I was able to get his organic food shopping done with him in his stroller, and that he didn't have a meltdown when we were out.
I am thankful that I didn't run into "her" at the store and have to use one of many responses I practiced in case she would criticize me.
I'm thankful that I got to have a silly conversation with my daughter during the half hour that he was happy. (I apologized for being "Debbie Downer" and she said, "No, you're Peggy Pessimistic."
I'm thankful that I live in a place where normally I get to see the sun almost every day. I think today would have felt not as hard if the sun were out.
I'm going to keep being thankful until I'm in a better mood.
I'm thankful for public school.
I'm thankful that the corn muffins just came out of the oven.
I'm thankful that I make the best chocolate chip cookies in history.
I'm thankful that I got to go out to a movie with my husband on Saturday night.
I'm thankful for butter.
OK, that's good. Off to have a hot muffin with butter!
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Saturday, January 7, 2012
"Being Retarded"
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Friday, January 6, 2012
Truth and Lies
The floor is cleaned of poo, the pajamas and bedding are in the washer being double-washed in hot water, my nine-year-old son is diapered, dressed, and sleeping it off in the bedroom, the boogie board (which I used to shield his head as he banged it on the bathtub) is put away, my son's homemade organic-turkey-bacon-brown-rice balls are in the oven, and one of the best chocolate chip cookies on the planet (mine) is in my stomach.
Mornings would certainly be easier if he was potty-trained. He will poo in the toilet if you catch him at the right time, but he gets angry if you try to make him sit there or do anything he doesn't want to do. He seems to go in his diaper between 5:00 and 6:00 in the morning but if I get up that early to take him, then I have to get up even earlier to get myself ready and everything I need to take care of him ready, not to mention how hard it is to get myself to bed early enough in the first place.
Meanwhile, until we can figure this out, we have our morning wrestling match in the bathtub.
Yesterday as I was up to my elbows in this oh-so-fun routine, and full of additional anxieties, it occurred to me that all these thoughts that fuel my anxieties are lies, and that the source of all lies is the adversary, the father of lies.
So why would I want to listen to him?
Think about your anxieties and see if they are based on lies. This is a useful exercise to get yourself out of a pit of negativity and worry.
Lie: The amount of bruises on your son's face are the direct result of your shortcomings as a mother.
Truth: As hard as you try to pad and protect him, you do not have total control of what he chooses to do. He created these latest bruises when he was in the care of someone else, who had the video monitor right in front of her, and your son figured out how to get out of his padding that had been working great for weeks. Actually, the fact that his face was almost clear until this latest incident is a testament to how vigilant you have been.
Lie: His teacher will judge you for these bruises when he goes back to school on Monday.
Truth: He is not judging you. He knows you are an exceptional mother. He is concerned about your son and doesn't want him to be hurt. He is also probably required to phone the parents if a child comes into school bruised. He has seen how tricky your son is, trying to slip in a jab whenever he can, and he has a classroom full of adult helpers. If anyone were to question the situation further, all they have to do is observe your son for an hour (great idea! I will invite CPS to join us for morning bathtime! Maybe they will have some good suggestions!) or talk to his speech therapist, occupational therapist, pediatrician, or psychiatrist, all of whom have seen him in action. With all you are going through, it is too bad that you are worried about being accused of negligence or child abuse. Let go of that draining and unrealistic fear.
Lie: Your husband is judging you for not being organized enough when he is trying to help with your son and is asking you where his stuff is.
Truth: He is simply asking where things are because he wants to help. He is not telling you that you are not doing a good job. He doesn't go through the script that is running through your mind, that you want things to be in order but you are choosing to go to bed earlier so you can deal with your son earlier the next morning. And that you are incredibly frustrated by the state of the house but not much is going to get done until he goes back to school.
Lie: Having your son be home for an extra week of Christmas Vacation was some kind of cruel joke.
Truth: Um, that's pretty much true!.....Well....next week....when he is back in school, I'm sure I will see the point of it. My husband spent more time with him. I took him to see his autism specialist and that was productive. We spent some quality time driving over speed bumps together--at least that made him laugh. And in God's plan, there is a point to everything we go through.
Lie: Because you miss your daughter terribly since she went back to college on Monday, and because she plans to stay for Spring semester, you won't see her again for months.
Truth: That is unlikely. You don't know when you will see her again but that just means you don't know, not that it will be a long time.
Lie: Because you miss your daughter terribly, and cry every day about it, and because your other daughter will be leaving home in less than two years, life is going to get worse and worse.
Truth: There are many joys ahead. You couldn't have anticipated the joy it was to lead the music in church last Sunday while your daughter played the organ, and it happened because she was called to play the organ in her college ward. There are missions, weddings, trips, grandchildren, conversations, and many other joys ahead.
Lie: You are not doing enough for your son.
Truth: Now that is just laughable. Hahahahahahaha. You should probably be doing less for him. You have enlisted a team of specialists, have opened your mind to using alternative medicine, if that could help him, you wake up before six every morning, you design special padding for him that still allows freedom of movement, you are carefully recording this journey so that others can be helped, and email his birthmom monthly so his birth sister can benefit from what you're learning. You also take great pains to maintain your constantly challenged mental health. Hahahahahahaha again!
Lie: Because the respite nurse cancelled yesterday she will cancel today.
Truth: That is unlikely. She knows how disappointed you were yesterday and she will do everything in her power to be here today. And yesterday turned out fine: Your husband stayed home from work so you could keep your appointment and he also took your son out for two hours!
---------
This wonderful article called Truths and Lies is one of my favorites. I haven't read it recently because I didn't want it to influence what the words that were in my head this morning, but now I want to re-read it.
http://lds.org/ensign/2009/10/truths-and-lies?lang=eng&query=truth+lies
Mornings would certainly be easier if he was potty-trained. He will poo in the toilet if you catch him at the right time, but he gets angry if you try to make him sit there or do anything he doesn't want to do. He seems to go in his diaper between 5:00 and 6:00 in the morning but if I get up that early to take him, then I have to get up even earlier to get myself ready and everything I need to take care of him ready, not to mention how hard it is to get myself to bed early enough in the first place.
Meanwhile, until we can figure this out, we have our morning wrestling match in the bathtub.
Yesterday as I was up to my elbows in this oh-so-fun routine, and full of additional anxieties, it occurred to me that all these thoughts that fuel my anxieties are lies, and that the source of all lies is the adversary, the father of lies.
So why would I want to listen to him?
Think about your anxieties and see if they are based on lies. This is a useful exercise to get yourself out of a pit of negativity and worry.
Lie: The amount of bruises on your son's face are the direct result of your shortcomings as a mother.
Truth: As hard as you try to pad and protect him, you do not have total control of what he chooses to do. He created these latest bruises when he was in the care of someone else, who had the video monitor right in front of her, and your son figured out how to get out of his padding that had been working great for weeks. Actually, the fact that his face was almost clear until this latest incident is a testament to how vigilant you have been.
Lie: His teacher will judge you for these bruises when he goes back to school on Monday.
Truth: He is not judging you. He knows you are an exceptional mother. He is concerned about your son and doesn't want him to be hurt. He is also probably required to phone the parents if a child comes into school bruised. He has seen how tricky your son is, trying to slip in a jab whenever he can, and he has a classroom full of adult helpers. If anyone were to question the situation further, all they have to do is observe your son for an hour (great idea! I will invite CPS to join us for morning bathtime! Maybe they will have some good suggestions!) or talk to his speech therapist, occupational therapist, pediatrician, or psychiatrist, all of whom have seen him in action. With all you are going through, it is too bad that you are worried about being accused of negligence or child abuse. Let go of that draining and unrealistic fear.
Lie: Your husband is judging you for not being organized enough when he is trying to help with your son and is asking you where his stuff is.
Truth: He is simply asking where things are because he wants to help. He is not telling you that you are not doing a good job. He doesn't go through the script that is running through your mind, that you want things to be in order but you are choosing to go to bed earlier so you can deal with your son earlier the next morning. And that you are incredibly frustrated by the state of the house but not much is going to get done until he goes back to school.
Lie: Having your son be home for an extra week of Christmas Vacation was some kind of cruel joke.
Truth: Um, that's pretty much true!.....Well....next week....when he is back in school, I'm sure I will see the point of it. My husband spent more time with him. I took him to see his autism specialist and that was productive. We spent some quality time driving over speed bumps together--at least that made him laugh. And in God's plan, there is a point to everything we go through.
Lie: Because you miss your daughter terribly since she went back to college on Monday, and because she plans to stay for Spring semester, you won't see her again for months.
Truth: That is unlikely. You don't know when you will see her again but that just means you don't know, not that it will be a long time.
Lie: Because you miss your daughter terribly, and cry every day about it, and because your other daughter will be leaving home in less than two years, life is going to get worse and worse.
Truth: There are many joys ahead. You couldn't have anticipated the joy it was to lead the music in church last Sunday while your daughter played the organ, and it happened because she was called to play the organ in her college ward. There are missions, weddings, trips, grandchildren, conversations, and many other joys ahead.
Lie: You are not doing enough for your son.
Truth: Now that is just laughable. Hahahahahahaha. You should probably be doing less for him. You have enlisted a team of specialists, have opened your mind to using alternative medicine, if that could help him, you wake up before six every morning, you design special padding for him that still allows freedom of movement, you are carefully recording this journey so that others can be helped, and email his birthmom monthly so his birth sister can benefit from what you're learning. You also take great pains to maintain your constantly challenged mental health. Hahahahahahaha again!
Lie: Because the respite nurse cancelled yesterday she will cancel today.
Truth: That is unlikely. She knows how disappointed you were yesterday and she will do everything in her power to be here today. And yesterday turned out fine: Your husband stayed home from work so you could keep your appointment and he also took your son out for two hours!
---------
This wonderful article called Truths and Lies is one of my favorites. I haven't read it recently because I didn't want it to influence what the words that were in my head this morning, but now I want to re-read it.
http://lds.org/ensign/2009/10/truths-and-lies?lang=eng&query=truth+lies
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